Waiting for the Robert E. Lee?
No, sir, it's Major Burns. He was due back from "R" and "R" at 2400 hours.
I sent out the daily report and said he was back.
You've been here all night?
- At 0400 hours, I had to go to the latrine. - You took the scenic route.
- Yes, sir. - Check his tent? He could have come in...
while you were sitting with Batman and Robin.
- No, I checked. - It's not like Burns.
He's a lousy surgeon, a pain in the butt...
however, he's always on time.
- I know. That's why I'm worried. - Relax. Cigar?
- Won't it stunt my growth? - What do you got to lose?
Is it habit forming?
No. I've been smoking five cigars a day for 45 years.
- Never got the habit. - That's good to know.
[Spits]
- [Spits] - So far so good.
- Mm, when do I suck? - I'll let you know.
Now.
Couple more times.
There you go.
Nothing like a good cigar on a bright, clear morning.
Or Cream of Wheat.
I can't believe it. There's some sausages left.
- Frank Burns isn't here. - Thank you.
- What's that, Klinger? - Scrambled eggs. Would you like a glass?
- You got a straw? - Just ran out.
Pass.
Ah, bonjour, mademoiselle. Comment allez- vous?
[Continues Speaking French]
Ah, it feels good to come home from a hard day at the factory...
sit down with my loved ones for a delightful repast.
You do have a way with words.
Yeah, I talk real good.
- Where's Major Burns? - Not back from leave yet.
It was very thoughtful of you two to arrange for his "R" and "R."
It was that or go bonkers.
That midnight whimpering.
You say he actually wept into his pillow?
His pillow, his pants, everything.
- I've never seen a man fall apart like that. - Plucky chap, though.
He did stand up at her wedding as best man.
Because we held him up.
You know, l-I've never wanted to bring this up before...
but I have a suspicion that Major Burns and Major Houlihan...
were somewhat attached.
They knew each other in the biblical sense.
- Both testaments. - Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
He's a married man.
My worst fears are confirmed.
[Radar Coughing]
That's it, son. There you go.
Oh. Oh, that cigar.
Oh, it's all part of growing up. You feel better?
Colonel, how can you smoke these things?
- You get used to it. I got sick on my first one. - How old were you?
I was nine. The cigar was 11.
Is that how come you're so short?
How would you like to be a P.F.C.?
You're tall. Oh, choppers.
I can't see anything. Is it Burns?
No, sir, it's coming from the north. It must be wounded.
- There's more than one. - Alert the staff.
- Okay if I throw the cigar away? - You got a cold?
- No. - [Helicopters Approaching]
- Choppers! Choppers! - [Chattering]
Salkowitz, gimme a hand!
- Hey, you're a medic. - Our battalion aid station got hit.
Crummy war.
- All right, pre-op and move it. - What a mess.
Some of these guys got clobbered twice. Once on the line...
- then three hours later at the aid station. - Their lucky day.
Move him into pre-op.
Father?
So young.
The younger they get, the older I get.
[Helicopter Approaching]
You're lucky, Sergeant. That's not too bad. We'll have you out of here in no time.
Hey, Doc, can you make it a little worse?
I don't wanna go back up there.
Well, we'll see. Maybe I can drop a stitch. Medic!
Get him to pre-op. Start an I.V. And give him some plasma.
Hell of a time for Burns to be late.
We can use every inept surgeon we can get.
When's Margaret due back from her honeymoon?
Two more days.
Superficial. Post-op. I wish I was with her.
- For crying out loud, she's with her husband. - I wouldn't peek.
Sirs, one of the wounds is a doctor.
[Breathing Heavily]
Dr. Berman, I'm Dr. Pierce.
Don't waste your time, Doctor. [Exhales]
We just met, already he's kibitzing.
- Right hemothorax, full of blood. - Don't talk.
Pericardial tamponade, full of blood.
We'll fix you up, Doctor.
Fragment near the heart.
You got a rabbi?
We got a priest who loves Al Jolson.
- Get him. - Knock that off, Berman.
Nobody dies around here without my say-so.
Be careful.
- What do you think? - I gotta try.
I just hope Father Mulcahy can pray right to left.
- [Potter] How's Berman? - I got a chest tube in. He's still bleeding.
- Can he travel to Seoul? - He may not even make it to post-op.
Klinger.
- What's the matter? - Snapped my garter belt.
Don't expect a Purple Heart. Special case there.
We need a nice, slow ride.
There you go, Sarge. Didn't even tingle, did it?
- You're gonna be fine. - Finished already, huh, Doc?
- Local anesthetic, seven stitches. - Can't you find anything else?
A hangnail, but the manicurist doesn't come in on Mondays.
- Klinger? - What am I, the only medic in the shop?
You're loved, you fool.
Command me, oh tall one with the Presbyterian features.
- Bed rest, then ambulatory. - Bed rest, then ambulatory.
[Potter] Where the hell is Burns?
If we're lucky, he deserted.
[Chuckles] You don't suppose... No, no, no, no.
- What? What? - No, it's ludicrous.
- Come on. What? What? - Well, Margaret's on her honeymoon in Tokyo...
and Frank's late getting back from Seoul.
- You think Frank went to Tokyo? - What could he do there?
Put saltpeter in Penobscott's teriyaki. [Laughs]
- [Laughs] - You boys are getting punchy.
I don't know why. Six hours of surgery is like a walk in the Vienna woods.
My varicose veins are pounding.
- I can hear them. - [Potter] Done and done.
Klinger! This is crazy. I gotta get on the horn to "l" Corps.
See if we can trace Burns. We need another surgeon.
Over there. Just park it there.
Get my bag, Corporal.
Major Houlihan, is that you?
No, it's Amelia Earhart. Who do you think it is?
- You. - Oh, you dumb ninny.
How come you're back so early from your honeymoon?
- You're not my father. - No, ma'am. I sure am glad to see you though.
We got a terrible lot of wounded, and Major Burns isn't back from "R" and "R" yet.
He isn't? All right, I'll get changed and get right over.
- Did you have a good time? - Oh, stuff it.
- That's nice. - [Phone Ringing]
[Phone Continues Ringing]
- MASH 4077. - [Potter] I got it, Radar.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel. - Colonel Potter here. Who's this?
- I didn't know you had it, sir. - I've got it.
- Yes, sir. You certainly do. - What was your name again, Sergeant?
Sergeant Williams, sir. Military Police, "l" Corps.
Do you have a Major Frank Burns in your unit?
Medium build, beady eyes, weak chin?
That's him. He was involved in an incident here in Seoul.
And our report says that while drunk...
he accosted a blonde WAC.
Kept calling her Margaret.
Acted like he was shampooing her hair.
And then begged to clip her toenails.
Ran off before we could apprehend him. Is he there, sir?
No, and he's long overdue. Keep me posted, Sergeant.
- Jackass Burns. Radar. - Yes, sir. Is he on his way, sir?
On his way to a Section Eight. He's down in Seoul flipping his beanie.
Get hold of a Colonel Baldwin at Tokyo General.
- Tell him we're desperate for a surgeon. - Yes, sir.
- I'll be in O.R. If my legs get me that far. - I think you're tired, Colonel.
You know, Radar, you should have gone to medical school.
- Hello, Tokyo. - Hello, Tokyo.
##[Whistling]
Double pair, royal.
That's 121 points...
- [Beeping Over P.A.] - ## [Whistling]
- And the game. - Damn cribbage!
Ah, Colonel, for a brief moment, you thought you had me...
but I scooted away.
What's the damage, Winchester?
Well, in round figures...
you owe me $672.11.
- [Phone Ringing] - Colonel, I want to thank you...
- for teaching me this game. - Colonel?
[Beeping Over P.A.]
Colonel Baldwin here. Yes?
I told you not to call me when I'm in conference.
Oh, yeah, that's Potter's outfit. What do they want?
How long do they need?
- No, it's impossible. - [Winchester Chuckling]
Colonel, made a small error.
You owe me $672.17.
It's possible.
[Beeping Over P.A.]
Care to put your head in the noose again?
I'd love to, but you won't have time.
For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul...
and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077 th.
Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
Relax. It's just like two days here...
except for the artillery and the snakes.
- Better get moving, Winchester. - Surely you jest.
Surely you go.
We got a new surgeon on the way.
- A Major Charles Emerson Winchester. - [Potter] I knew a Winchester.
- [B.J.] I knew an Emerson. - [Radar] I got an Uncle Charles.
[Hawkeye] Well, at least we won't be working with a stranger.
[Metal Clangs]
Corporal Klinger? X rays on Brophy.
Coming! I can give you this in 8x 10s, wallet-size or our matchbook covers.
- You certainly move fast, Klinger. - Basic delicatessen training.
Put your finger on that artery. Scalpel.
- Major Houlihan! - [B.J.] Look who's here.
[Mulcahy] What a pleasant surprise.
- Uh-oh, Lulu's back in town. - Keep working. Keep working.
I'll take over, Baker. You look exhausted.
Mrs. Penobscott, it's a pleasure to have your finger in my work again.
How come you're back here so early?
Shouldn't you be wearing out your Do Not Disturb sign?
- Heard you were busy. More sponges! - Major, heard you were back.
Baker, get back in here and help the colonel.
- Now I know you're back. - Tell us about your honeymoon.
Just the dirty stuff.
Captains, please. Mrs. Penobscott's feelings.
That's what we want to hear about.
Private Picetti... X ray hot off the press.
Gloryosky, Sandy. Do I behold the ravishing Mrs. Penobscott?
Yes, Klinger, I'm back. So get moving.
Yes, Major Houlihan.
Never heard of anybody coming home early from a honeymoon.
They had to throw a bucket of water on me and the missus.
Did you have a good time? Clamp.
We need more suction.
If you don't wanna tell us about your honeymoon, I understand.
- I appreciate that. - But I hope you took pictures.
You know, Private, if you are very careful...
you can hit every pothole along the way.
Sorry, sir, but I've only got two hands.
Yes, I noticed that. I'm a doctor.
How much more of this must my kidneys endure?
About 20 miles, sir.
Wonderful.
- What's happening? - The enemy, sir. Mortars.
The enemy? Here? Good God!
Turn right! Right! Left! Left!
- Follow me, sir. - Where?
- Take cover. - When do they stop?
- When they hit something. - Very comforting.
Hit the dirt!
[Explosions In Distance]
Good Lord, what do we do now?
Sit tight, hold your breath and pray if you got 'em.
- What about the jeep? - Don't worry about it, sir. It's paid for.
Better stay put, Major.
Now we can go.
- How? - A.T.
A.T.?
Alternate transportation.
You're on your own now, sir. I'm going back to headquarters.
Good luck to you.
Extra, "extrey," read all about it.
Latest news in the Stars And Stripes. U.S. Enters war in Korea.
- Get your latest news right here. - Excuse me.
It's a little shack in the compound marked "latrine."
- Immediate seating in the mezzanine. - It isn't that.
- I want to ask you something. - Go.
Are you a guy, or a hairy broad with a deep voice?
I'm all man, Clyde. The clothes are a dodge.
- A what? - If I keep wearing women's clothes...
maybe they'll give me a Section Eight and send me home.
- Oh. How long you been at this? - Two years, April 22.
- Oh, it's not just a dodge. - What do you mean?
If you've been dressing like this for two years, you are a Section Eight.
- That's what I keep telling 'em. - Let me tell 'em.
I'm a lawyer. Captain Schaeffer. Adjutant General Branch.
I'm telling you. I can get you a discharge.
Captain, if you can help, I'm your slave.
- No problem. - Oh, Captain, my Captain.
Set me free and for the rest of your life, I'll bring you belly dancers...
their navels stuffed with chopped liver.
120 over 80, Sergeant. You're perfect.
Hey, listen, Doc.
I'm sure there's something inside that you missed, huh?
It hurts... right about here.
Comes with the territory. That's our canned corned beef.
But, Doc, I don't wanna go back.
I can't say as I blame you. Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
[Sighs] Okay, but I'm an atheist.
- Really? - Swear to God.
Uh, let's check Private Leland's chart.
How you feeling, Dr. Berman?
Critical.
I know you've got a chest tube in, and the lung's re-expanded.
I repaired the laceration of the ventricle, so there's a weak area in the myocardium.
In other words, a ventricular aneurysm.
- Yeah, it looks that way. - So...
it's "Good night, Nurse."
You just rest and stabilize.
And, if necessary, we'll tackle the aneurysm.
You doctors are all alike.
[Pats Berman's Hand]
- Did you tell him about the aneurysm? - Yeah.
- Gonna try it? - None of us have ever seen that operation.
- What are you gonna do? - I think I'll hide in the woods till the war is over.
- [Phone Ringing] - I got it! You got it!
I know I've got it. Potter here.
Yeah, Sergeant. Oh, not Burns again.
He was on this bus, and he sat down next to a Red Cross lady.
Tried to bite off her buttons.
He kept hollering, "Margaret! Mar..." Is that his wife?
No, just a well-built ship that crossed his wake. Have you got him locked up?
Well, not exactly, sir. You see, the lady screamed...
and the bus stopped, and he jumped out the window.
Look, Sergeant, do me a favor. When you finally lasso him...
put him in a padded stall.
For your trouble... Put this toward some shock absorbers.
- You staring at me, Corporal? - Oh, no, sir.
No, I'm sorry, sir. It's just we don't get too many strangers around here standing up.
Charming place.
An inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.
What is that odor?
Uh, north wind, cesspool. East wind, latrine.
- The wind is from the south. - Oh, that's the kitchen.
Sir, are you the doctor we've been waiting for?
That's quite likely. Major Charles Emerson Winchester, Surgeon.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly, Company Clerk. [Chuckles]
- Shall I get your bag, sir? - Of course.
Where will I find your commanding officer?
Uh, in his commanding office.
Uh, this way.
- Ooh, I'm sorry, sir. Do you mind? - [Clattering]
Not at all.
- Skoal. - Anita Ekberg.
- Ingrid Bergman. - Sonja "Heinie."
- Sir, this is Major Charles Emerson, uh... - Winchester.
- Radar, don't talk with your hands full.
- Welcome to MASH 4077, Doctor. - Yup.
Drs. Pierce, Hunnicutt.
- Hawkeye. - Doctor.
- B.J. - Doctor.
Major, you have no idea how glad we are to see you.
This is our first break in 36 hours. Have a snort.
- Thank you. No. - Got your papers, Winchester?
- Gee, what swell gloves. - Calf.
Oh.
- Where you from, Charlie? - Charles.
- Oh. - We're pretty informal up here. We get very close.
I don't intend to be here long enough to get chummy.
- Well, I'll drink to that. - I'll join you.
Impressive, Doctor.
Harvard Med. Massachusetts General. What were you doing in Tokyo?
Demonstrating new surgical techniques.
- Up here, it's strictly meatball surgery. - Patch 'em up and get 'em out.
[Snorts] That's rather primitive, isn't it?
We've got a 98% survival rate, cowboy.
- Charles. - No offense intended, Colonel.
Offense accepted, Major. And you can...
Look. We're all a little tired.
Let's not get off on the wrong foot.
Colonel, I'm going to eat now, sir.
- What are they having, Radar? - Breaded Spam cutlets.
- Every meal an adventure. - Do the officers eat similar rations?
Yep. We're all just one big, unhappy family.
- Don't we have a choice? - Two.
Rosie's bar across the road or starvation.
Duncan Hines recommends the latter.
Colonel, Dr. Berman is going into heart failure. He can hardly breathe.
- Let's go. - [B.J.] Ventricular aneurysm.
- Why the panic? - Can you do anything about it?
- I've done at least a dozen. - Successfully?
No offense intended, Major.
- Offense accepted. - Let's hang out your shingle, Major.
[Winchester] More light on the heart.
[Winchester] That light flickers.
[Hawkeye] You gotta synchronize your blinks.
- [Potter] It's our number two generator. - Switch to number one.
Number one was stolen by some locals.
It's now a taxicab in Pukch'ang.
- More suction. - [Margaret] Suction.
Thank you.
There's your aneurysm.
Now, the main difficulty here, gentlemen...
is that the aneurysm may have a clot in it.
If you don't do this very carefully...
it could break off and go to the brain.
Then it's "Good-bye, Charlie."
- Sorry. Charles. - So that's how you do this.
- You oversew the aneurysm. - Mm-hmm.
Good work, Remington.
- Winchester. - Oh, uh...
- Still with us, Hunnicutt. - 100 over 70.
- Beautiful, Doctor. - [Winchester] Voila.
- Ready to close. - [Potter] Fine work, Doctor.
[Winchester] Considering the circumstances, I would say extraordinary.
[Hawkeye] Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
- You may. - Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?
Wasn't that wonderful? Such marvelous technique.
The whole family has gifted hands. Mother's a concert pianist.
My dad can get an olive out of the bottom of a jar with one finger.
- And leave the pimento behind. - Oh, yeah.
Frontline humor, I suppose. Crude and boorish.
You gotta admit though, these jokers'll make you laugh.
Colonel, sir, I got Major Burns on the telephone.
- He's calling from Seoul. - About time.
You coming, Margaret? It's an obscene phone call.
- Crude and boorish. - Crude and Boorish. A great act.
- He plucked chickens. - And she jumped through an awning.
Yeah, I understand, Sergeant. Thank you. Put him on.
Burns? Not so fast.
Yeah? Yeah.
Uh-huh. You are?
- What's up? - I should have listened on my own phone.
Opportunity missed is an opportunity lost.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson. - Writer of note.
- Writers of notes get famous? - Please, I'm on long distance!
- Sorry, sir. - Okay, Burns.
I'll take care of it. Right, Major.
Right. The same to you. [Chuckling]
- What's the latest on Burns? - This one's a doozy.
He saw an officer and a blonde walking down the main drag.
- And in his state... - Bombed?
Boiled. Mistook them for Penobscott and Houlihan.
Well, this couple went into a public bath, stripped down, got in the water.
A man and a lady in the same water?
- Baptists. - Oh.
Frank jumps in with them, still in uniform.
Wow!
Grabbed the woman and started crying.
Suddenly, he realizes he's in the water with the wrong couple.
Mrs. Kester hollered bloody murder.
Wait a minute. You mean Brigadier General and Mrs. Kester?
In the buff.
They're holding Burns for psychiatric observation.
Perfect!
And then... hang onto your skivvies...
he's being transferred out of here.
- Transferred? - Out of here?
You... Frank is being transferred? You mean for good?
- That's right. - Holy cow.
They can't do that to us. There's so much more we wanted to say to the fink.
And all of it rotten.
You realize this reduces the enemy to just North Korea.
This calls for a toast. You too, Radar.
- Special occasion. - Thank you, sir.
A toast. What shall it be?
- Something tender. - Something sentimental.
Right.
Good-bye, ferret face.
[All Laughing, Whooping]
- Let's put it over here. - Okay.
- What does he got in here? - I don't know.
[Sighs] Ain't this the final kick in the butt?
We pack so Major Bonkers can get outta here.
Not an easy task. Each object holds such unpleasant memories.
The laundry. One pair of shorts, perfect condition.
Mine.
- One pair of shorts, holes, buttons missing. - Frank's.
One pair of socks, perfect condition... mine.
You're pretty quick with the socks, fella.
- One pair of socks, holes... Frank's. - Frank's.
- This is gonna be easier than I thought. - Matter of having a system.
- [Knocking] - Entrez- vous.
Colonel Potter said you were packing Frank's things.
There's something of mine I'd like back.
I don't think that's possible.
- Margaret, please. We packed so carefully. - I'll bet.
- May one ask what it is you're looking for? - It's personal.
- The torn shorts are right on top. - I'll slap you.
- Bully. - Ah, here it is.
- [Gasps] - This is none of your business.
- What is it? - A picture of Margaret in a bikini.
- Let me see. - No.
- Give you a nickel. - No.
- Show you where the horse bit me. - Not interested.
- Oh, come on. How does she look? - Beautiful. A goddess.
- Really? - Oh! Yum! Yum! Yum!
- You're spitting on it. - I'm gonna faint.
Margaret, put it back. It'll keep him crazy.
Why torture him? Frank wasn't all that bad.
- Compared to what? - Well, he's no Donald Penobscott.
In some ways, Donald is no Frank Burns.
- Uh, Margaret... - Margaret, wait a second.
- Would you care to elaborate on that? - No, I wouldn't.
Margaret. Look, if you've got something you want to get off your chest...
- I promise you it won't go beyond this tent. - Oh!
No, thank you. I'd sooner tell Walter Winchell.
- Might make you feel better. - Why should I trust you two?
Because we're all you've got.
Because we care.
- Come on, Margaret. Have a drink. - Come on. Sit down.
You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. But sit down. You look upset.
- Have a drink. - What'll it be, gin or gin?
- How's that? - [Gasps]
- [Chuckles] - Terrible. Thank you.
- Something went wrong, didn't it, Margaret? - Your word of honor?
- Sure. - What about him?
- Him too. - Well...
the first two days were perfect.
Then after that, it was like being on a honeymoon with my old auntie.
What happened between the second and third day?
Nothing. We were having a wonderful time... tennis, shopping.
A lovely party that evening at General Weiskopf's.
- Lyle was a charming host. - Lyle?
General Weiskopf. He's an old friend.
We stayed up and talked and laughed until 3:00 in the morning.
Was the groom in the room?
Sure. He was right there listening.
What happened after the party?
- Nothing. - As in "nothing"?
He stopped talking. He stopped smiling.
He stopped... everything.
As in "everything"?
Well, Margaret, don't you think that's it?
- What? - That's probably it.
Donald was competing with your whole past.
Some guys can't take that pressure.
The male libido can be a very fragile thing.
Oh, poor Donald.
Oh, he'll get over it. It happens all the time.
Frank never had that problem.
- Frank didn't need it. He had every other one. - Oh, I know. I know.
Frank Burns was a little too "by the book" for you guys, but...
I personally have some very fond memories of our friendship.
That dirty rat!
My alarm clock. He said the bellboy took it. That fink!
[B.J.] Margaret, remember the fond memories.
Oh, I'll give him a fond memory.
Bottoms up, Frank.
Schaeffer, this is none of your business.
Colonel, please, you're shouting at my lawyer.
You are holding a legitimate Section Eight here.
- Lay it on him, mouthpiece. - A guy hanging onto a dodge this long...
is a legit psychotic, believe me.
Look, Captain, it doesn't matter.
Teddy Roosevelt had a transvestite in his outfit.
Rode sidesaddle up San Juan Hill.
- Is that true, Captain? - Could be.
- They all wore such big hats. - We're sunk.
Oh, no, we're not. I'm preparing my client's brief for General Phelps.
- [Phone Ringing] - And, you, as my client...
do not talk to this man unless I am present.
- Sir, phone call from Tokyo General. - Got it.
Come on, Klinger. You and your lawyer, take a hike.
Colonel, I am going to convene a formal hearing on this.
Good. Klinger, I suggest you wear your black sheath with pearls.
Basic black before 5:00? Really.
Potter here.
Yes, of course I still need a new surgeon.
Who? MacKenzie?
Look, Baldwin. I've seen that clown's 201 file. He's a boozer.
Chief engineer on the Red-nose Express.
Martinelli? I've seen his surgery.
Let me give you a tip. Sew his fingers together and make him a psychiatrist.
What about Winchester?
Yeah, I know he's temporary.
Make him permanent and it's a deal.
Good.
Oh, really? I'll remember that.
- Radar, are you there? - I was, sir, but now I'm in here, sir.
- Where's Winchester? - He's getting ready to leave.
- I wanna talk to him pronto. - Yes, sir.
- And bring me back a Snickers bar. - With nuts?
- No. - Milky Way.
Damn partial.
Here we are, for your refreshment pleasure...
before we present the ravishing Boom Boom Goldfarb and a trained owl...
synthetic ice cream, synthetic sherbet, synthetic spumoni.
Each and every cup contains a $5,000 pair of Swiss binoculars.
Hey. This offer limited time only.
Time's up.
Watch it, Mac. Who wants melting ice cream?
But, Father, I don't want to go back anymore.
- Son, we all feel fear. It's quite natural. - But, Father...
Without fear, one would stand in traffic and get run over.
It's nature's way of protecting your life.
Father, it's not my life that I'm concerned about.
Excuse me?
I killed three people.
I saw their eyes.
Father, I just don't wanna kill anymore.
- Pierce? - Chuck?
- Well, you're leaving. What's in a name? - How're you feeling?
Dr. Berman, this is Dr. Winchester. He saved your life.
Thank you. I thought I was a goner.
Yes, I can understand that.
[Chuckles] I think I've just been insulted.
Very observant. Blood pressure?
140 over 80.
I can't believe it.
Dr. Pierce tells me that your technique was extraordinary.
To him, perhaps.
Well, I'm on my way. Good luck, Dr. Berman.
- You're not on staff here? - Oh-ho, no.
This was just a stopover in a stagnant backwater of the war.
- Gentlemen. - Ta.
- I don't think he likes it here. - I wonder why.
This time of year, we offer so much more than Monte Carlo...
ringworm, shingles, dysentery... and at decent prices.
##[Swing]
Where is that blasted jeep?
[Coughs]
Is this the best you've got?
I got some private stock, but it'll cost you a nickel more.
Oh, let's splurge.
Wow. We don't get too many guys like you in here.
Yes, I'm painfully aware of that.
Make it two... one for me, one for yourself.
What? I wouldn't drink that. I have a stomach and a family to think of.
Oh, I found... I found him. Major Winchester.
Uh, don't go away, sir. The colonel wants to see you.
Colonel, I found Major Winchester.
Well, I hope he's succinct. My jeep will be here momentarily.
- I do hate long good-byes. - I found him.
- Oh, Winchester. - Can we hurry this up?
I checked the O.R., the Mess Tent, the latrine, everywhere.
And then I come in here, the Officers Club, and here he was.
He was here. His gear was here. And then I was...
- Radar. Radar. Type that up in triplicate. - Yes, sir. I found him.
Well, it's very kind of you to see me off.
I would ask you to join me in a farewell drink, but there just isn't time.
Oh, we'll have plenty of time.
- Oh? - I've got some good news, Major.
You're assigned to us permanently.
- Impossible. - Orders are cut. It's final.
No!
No. Colonel Baldwin assured me this is just temporary.
Is this the same Colonel Baldwin who owes you $600?
- [Laughs] Yes. - Need I say more?
You mean to tell me that I have to stay here...
just because somebody owes me $672.17?
- That's ridiculous. - Of course it's ridiculous.
- You're staying because I need you. - And if I refuse?
You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth. Comprende?
- Comprendo. - Good.
Well, Major Winchester, I can't tell you...
how happy I am you've decided to join us.
And remember, if you ever have a problem, feel free to stop in.
My tent flap is always open.
##[Swing Continues]
[Man Over P.A.] Attention, Corporal Klinger.
Report to Colonel Potter's office, on the double. And bring your lawyer.
- Now that's what I call fast action. - Let me do the talking.
You're the solicitor, Captain. M.P.'s! My own escort.
Klinger, you wonderful, crazy person, you're going home.
I can smell downtown Toledo now.
- Corporal Klinger and lawyer reporting, sir. - New scarf?
- Sears, Honolulu. - Nice.
- Post-debutante department. - Sorry I missed your cotillion.
I expected other officers, Colonel. A review board.
- Road apples, Private. - Uh, Captain, Colonel.
- Private, Corporal. - Private?
Well, tsk, caught again.
Hold it. Wait, wait, wait a minute. I thought...
Button it. Button it.
- Let him talk. - You're my lawyer.
Your lawyer is a buck private, and he's no lawyer.
I beg your... How's that?
According to his captain, a real captain...
Schaeffer here has been bucking for a Section Eight longer than you have.
- A loony? - Busted twice...
done four months in the slammer, has impersonated a doctor...
a bombardier, a tank commander...
- even a chaplain. - A chaplain.
At this very moment somewhere in America...
25 couples are living in sin.
You shyster! Why'd you lie to me, get my hopes up?
I thought you'd understand. You're my own kind.
- [Whistles] - They gonna send me home?
- I doubt it. - I feel like crying.
Let it all out, stud. He's all yours, boys.
Well, hang in there, Klinger.
I was an M.P. Once too.
Don't feel bad, son. Guy's a real pro. You'll make it someday.
- You think so, sir? - Absolutely. Never say die.
You're a real inspiration, sir.
Sir? Sir, Major Burns is on the phone.
- He says he wants to talk to you and B.J. - I'm busy.
He says it's the last time he'll ever talk to you.
I can't pass that up. Take care, Doc.
B.J. Hey, thanks, Hawkeye.
Don't go around condemning yourself. Always get two doctors' opinions.
What's that you said, Charles?
How we doing? Oh, we're doing fine. Thank you.
How you doing?
Oh, really? Well, you'll get used to it.
- He'll talk your ear off. - Seems a bit cold.
He's got great hands. Can hit to right field, but no heart.
- You'll soften him up. - I doubt it.
He takes two arrogant pills after every meal. Let's go.
Yes, Frank, yes.
We packed everything.
He wants to know if we folded his underwear.
And we ironed your pleats.
What? He wants to talk to you.
Yes, Frank.
You what?
Uh, Frank, we both think that's wonderful.
Yeah. Frank, we're proud to have known you.
Yeah. Best of luck in your future, Frank.
Bye, Frank.
Hey, come on! I'm responsible for that!
You seem a trifle irked.
The army, in its infinite wisdom...
has not only cleared Frank of the charges...
they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana...
and promoted him to lieutenant colonel.
- Oh, no, no, no no! - I was just gonna complain to my congressman.
Yeah? No, no!
Hello? Hello?
Ah! O'Reilly, just the man I want to see.
- Me? - Is there anyone else in this room?
- No. - Then it must be you.
- Get me Tokyo General Hospital. - On the phone?
No, open the window and yell.
Take that bag of phone and do whatever voodoo you do and get me Colonel Baldwin.
That won't do you any good, sir. You're staying.
You pusillanimous little squirt. Don't you dare to tell me I'm staying!
- You get on that phone! - But I can't, it's...
- No buts. You start cranking. - Yes, sir.
I'm cranking. I am. I'm cranking.
But it's broken. Somebody madder than you got to it first.
Corporal, I assure you. Nobody in Korea is madder than me.
I'll take your word for it, sir.
- Corporal, fix the phone! - Fix it. Okay.
- I don't care how. What I care is when. - No, I'll fix it.
- And the when is now. - Yes, okay. Right.
Because if you don't, I am going to...
Winchester, you're not going anywhere.
Colonel, l... [Clears Throat]
I think I should tell you that my father knows Harry Truman.
He doesn't like him, but he knows him.
Fine. You have Dad call Harry...
then Harry'll call me, and maybe we'll work something out.
In the meantime, vamoose.
All right, Colonel, I am... vamoosing.
[Mutters]
But know this.
You can cut me off from the civilized world.
You can incarcerate me with two moronic cell mates.
You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill.
But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester.
My voice shall be heard from this wilderness...
and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
I think he's getting the hang of this place.
Ah!
Over there.
Oh. Hello.
- Oh. Hello. - How are you?
- Who's this? - Dollar a day.
Funny name for a Korean.
Oh, goody, you found it.
[Chuckles]
You actually wear that?
Sure. When I'm operating on pilots.
- Contact. - Contact. [Sputters]
Keep the air force on your side of the room.
[Man Over P.A.] Attention, all personnel.
All those with body lice, report for dusting at 1330 hours.
Dysentery at 1420 hours. Toe fungus at 1500.
Good Lord, what sort of a pesthole have I fallen into?
You'll get used to it. The pests grow on you.
E-E-Easy! A little to the left. Now you got it.
- Where do you want this, Doc? - In Tokyo, actually.
Tempo, Doc. I got a lice appointment.
- Set it down anywhere. - Over here.
Thank you much. Dismissed.
- Nice hat, Klinger. New? - For tea dancing.
Who is that... creature?
Corporal Klinger... first man to kill a caribou with a beaded purse.
- Finish! - You have not done the corners.
- Finish! - You haven't made my bed.
Finish.
Why me? Why me?
Practically chief of thoracic surgery at Boston General...
in this godforsaken... dump.
Me. A man who can hum all four parts of the Schubert string quartets...
- and quote Spinoza from memory. - Well, that's the army.
- You know, supply and demand. - That's why you were picked.
Just yesterday we were saying we were short a Spinoza man.
- I'm a leg man, myself. - And very funny.
Remind me to slap my knee.
[Man Over P.A.] Attention, all personnel. MASH 8063 is overloaded.
Their casualties are on the way.
- That's us, Charlie. - Let's go. It's Howdy Doody time.
- [Hawkeye] Come on, Chuckles, shake it. - Let's go.
- Are you speaking to me? - What's taking you so long?
In this camp, cleanliness is next to impossible.
You have to kill the germs. Don't hang around for the funeral.
Look how high he's scrubbing. Maybe he's going to operate in evening gloves.
Gentlemen, I do one thing at a time.
I do it very well, and then I move on.
Can you doctors wiggle your collective keister?
I've got three tables facing the war. One of them is a tricky bowel resection.
B.J. Or I will take it. Dr. Pasteur is still pasteurizing himself.
Well, uh, maybe we'd better wait and let him do it.
It's kind of complicated. As soon as you can, Winchester.
- All right. - What's so great about him?
I do one thing at a time. I do it very well...
and then I move on.
Gentlemen, please...
pay close attention to this bowel resection.
I don't want to have to show it to you twice.
[Chuckles]
I'm not gonna play second scalpel to this garbanzo for the rest of the war.
Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush and start hating him now?
- [Hawkeye] Done. - [Nurse] Klinger!
Take him to post-op. Leave in the I.V.
This kid's running up an awful big tab.
[Hawkeye] He's on Diners Club.
I'll take this guy. Let me see that X ray, please.
Shattered patella. Put him to sleep.
We're kind of falling behind, Colonel.
- Winchester. - Oh, really?
- Can I help? - Is there a prayer for my varicose veins?
Well, there's a mailman's prayer that might be effective.
Really sell it, Padre. Next patient.
We're two up on you, Winchester. Shift into high gear.
I refuse to rush through a bowel resection.
This is the rush hour, Major.
Better get in the fast lane. Sponge.
For your information, I'm doing meticulous work.
Neatness don't count in meatball surgery.
Is harassment standard operating procedure?
Page 26 of the surgeon songbook.
Another ambulance just pulled in. Eleven wounded.
Really bad. Holy Moly.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Father. - More?
Why do people always wait till the last minute to get shot?
- [Grunts] - Major, we can't spend two hours on a bowel resection.
Charles, move on!
I'm moving on as fast as I can.
[B.J.] I'm finished here, Charlie. Let me show you.
You show me? Certainly not.
- [Margaret] Doctor, we do have shortcuts. - Shortcuts are sloppy surgery.
- More suction. - Doctor, if we can't control the bleeding, we're gonna lose him.
- B.J., take over. Winchester, watch him. - [B.J.] Move it.
- Now see here. - Wounded egos come later. For now, just watch.
- Two big clamps. - [Klinger] Another customer.
[Hawkeye] I'll take him. Give him a magazine. I'll be right there.
When you're in a hurry, cut the mesentery between two big clamps...
- and forget daintiness. - Throw in a layer of catgut...
and interrupted silk in the serosa.
Maybe eight sutures on the anterior side.
Mucosa to mucosa, muscularis to muscularis.
- Serosa to serosa. - And Natchez to Mobile.
- It'll leak. - No, it won't, and it'll only take 20 minutes.
Klinger, let me see that X ray again.
It's me again. Klinger had to, uh, uh...
Oh, to be in the latrine, now that spring is here.
[Jet Passes Overhead]
[Groans]
Winchester, don't feel so bad. You'll catch on.
I felt like an intern in there.
Everybody does in the beginning.
First thousand patients are the hardest.
Second day, it gets easier.
I don't...
I don't think I can adjust to this.
Look. We know you're a good surgeon.
Even though some good surgeons wash out under these conditions, you won't.
- You're gonna make it. - Sure you will.
[Yawns] We're not any better than you.
It's just that by sheer repetition, we've gotten fast.
Well...
you may be right.
If you people did it, I certainly can.
Way to go, Charlie.
Come on over to my office. We'll have a couple of belts.
Thank you, no.
If you don't mind, uh...
I'd rather be alone.
That is not a happy person.
Would you rather have Burns?
- He was more fun to be cruel to. - Do me a favor.
No practical jokes, no horsing around until he gets broken in. Okay?
I wish you told us that before we put the snake in his bed.
## [Classical: Mozart]
[B.J.] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Please, Beej, Mozart.
Have you no respect for classical music?
Are you kidding? I got the "William Tell Overture"...
- by Spike Jones. - Oh.
##[Continues]
[Yells]
Clever. Very clever.
Please... Mozart.